Lessons en Espanol

I'm officially on vacation. No longer working, I can focus on my Spanish and in turn impart some of my education of the language on to you.

When I arrived here in December my Spanish consisted of two words: si and gracias. After three months I've managed to add a few more words to my vocabulary, many of them slang and taught to me by my coworkers at the Shack. I became fairly fluent at words used in the restaurant. The majority of staff at Joe's is Mexican and other than the servers, they don't speak English. It made communicating difficult but somehow I managed to fit in. They all thought I was loco (crazy) but most of them are loco too so we didn't need language to bond.

Some favourite words from Vallarta:

Piojo/pioja (pee-yo-ho/pee-yo-ha) A "cheap bastard". Also the word for lice. Commonly used at Joe Jack's to describe poor tippers, generally Canadians and especially French Canadians. Sorry fellow Canucks but we have a bad reputation in Vallarta and having worked in the industry for the last three months I can honestly say it's deserved.

No mames (no mom-ees) Vulgar slang meaning "no way!" The literal translation is "don't suck me" and it was a long-running source of humour at the Shack when someone in the kitchen would say "no mamis!". It was then my cue to follow with "Si mamo, y a domicilio. Bien rico." Which translates to "Yes, I suck! At my place. It's really tasty." This joke never got old.

Porfa (pour-fa) Colloquial term used as an abbreviation of "please". Tourists say "por favor", locals say "porfa".

Quisiera (key-sarah) "I would like". This is my most frequently used word. "Quisiera una cerveza porfa." "Quisiera una margarita." "Quisiera un hombre!"

Caliente (kali-n-tay) Means "hot" as in temperature but when used to describe yourself or another person it means "horny".

Mas (mass) "More." Comes in very handy at the bar. "Una mas, porfa". "Dos mas Corona. Gracias."

Por que, no? (pour kay, no) "Why not?" Should we get another beer and dance at Manana until 6am? "Por que, no!"

Hodgepodge of Happenings

It's the beginning of the end. This is my last week of work at the Shack. Three months has flown by in a blur of red snapper, mojitos and coconut pie. I'm going to miss that place but I'm also ready for a new adventure. The wheels are in motion but I'm not disclosing my next destination until I tell my parents.

I'm 33 years old and yet I feel I need to let them know before they read it on the internet. They're coming to PV April 2nd so I'll tell them in person. Not that they will try to talk me out of anything I want to do but I did get an email from my mom this morning. It read:

"Hope things are still going great with you and Mexico is still the place you want to be. Hard to believe that you have been gone so long, and yet it has gone by rather quickly (miss you close by though). "

Kinda tugs at my heartstrings.

I'll only be back in Toronto for the better part of a month before heading out again to explore the food scene in another beach town for a few months. The beginning of another great adventure. But don't worry, you're all invited to tag along for all the delicious details. Well, most of them anyway.

On another note, and to change the subject, I just submitted a piece to Holmes magazine (Mike Holmes that is) on everything a guy needs to know about steak. It's 2000 words on cows, cuts, cooking and the mountain of beefy stuff you should know about man's favourite meal. It'll be published in an upcoming issue--I'll be sure to let you know when it hits newsstands.

And speaking of steak, have I mentioned how good the one at Joe Jack's is? It makes my list of new favourites in PV.

Five Pepper Steak: Actually it's 10 peppers. The 8 oz. filet mignon is first seasoned with 5 peppercorns (white, black, green, pink and Szechuan) and grilled then topped with a sauce made from 5 peppers (moron, hungaros, guerros, poblanos and guajillo). I dream of this steak.

Taco Rellano: A stuffed poblano pepper with octopus and shrimp, deep fried then made into a taco. Ridiculously good. Located on Aguacate between Cardenas and Caranza. When I remember the name I'll update this post.

Churros: Deep fried, star-shaped tubes of doughnut, rolled in cinnamon sugar from the vendor outside the clock tower church on Aguacate. They cost 1 peso each and wolfing down 10 on my way home from work is never an issue.

Mi Cafe Sandwich: The signature sandwich at this new cafe just a block from my house is killer. Fresh ciabatta stuffed full of turkey, pesto, shredded carrot, cucumer, cheese and served with three house-made sauces (garlic, chipotle and creamy basil) along with crispy wedge potatoes and fresh fruit.

Citrus Cloud: One of the best desserts I've eaten. Maybe anywhere. Ever. Lime-licked custard cooked in a ramekin like a creme brule would be, except where the brule should be is a soft and delicate sponge cake. The signature dessert at Archie's Wok, one of my favourite restos in PV serving up some of the best Thai food I've ever had.

Choco Banana: Frozen bananas from this eponymous corner cafe get dipped in chocolate and rolled in a myriad of toppings like coconut or chopped pecans. Simply perfect.

Victoria: a Vienna-style amber beer from the makers of Corona it's refreshingly malty with a good hoppy flavour to boot. The best part? You can buy a 60 oz. bottle at Bolero (local bar for Joe Jack's staff) for 50 pesos.

That's Not My Name

I booked my flight back to Toronto last week. My plane lands at 6:50am, April 15.

I'm sad.

With only a month left in my working vacation I feel there's so much more I want to do and so much more I could have already done. There's so many more restaurants I need to visit and hundreds of taco stands I still haven't found.

And so many things you guys don't know.

Let me start with my nicknames:

Chaparrito-means shorty in a term-of-endearment kinda way.

Chichifo-the name given to Mexican hustler boys trying to land a rich, white daddy who'll pay for a month in a swank, ocean-front condo. Or grandma's very expensive heart medication. Or, perhaps just settle for margaritas on the beach and dinner at Fajita Republic.

It's not a nice thing to be called but all the Mexican's laugh when they see the word emblazoned on the bracelet I wear--a New Year's Day gift from my roommate Alfonso.

When Joe first saw me wearing it he asked in one of his short, angry tones, "Do you know what you're bracelet means?"

I said sure, "Hard-working entrepreneur, right?" Then walked away.

Ryanna-because I sing along to every song on the iPod. I can't help it, Joe's got good taste in music.

Deyanira Rubi-a pole-dancing, feather boa-sporting character created by one of Mexico's favourite morning talk show personalities. Deyanira, has lobbied the Mexican government to make pole dancing, the country's national sport. She argues that many families in Mexico are supported by wives and mothers that strip and without them, Mexico would be bankrupt.

A couple of the bars in this town would be bankrupt without me. Considering cervezas only cost 20 pesos, or about $1.75 that's saying something.

Although, I've taken a bit of a break this week to recoup. I had three nights last week that ended between 5am and 7am. That's a hard lifestyle to keep up with and not enough coconuts in this town to cleanse me of my sins.

And now the weekend is here. I've rested enough. Besides, a flock of new planes is arriving as I type. I can't let the new vacationers down. I have responsibilities and I know what they are.

Wish me luck amigos.

Coconut Detox

Coconut, I hear, is a wonderful detoxifier. My friend Robbie, from Montreal, is in PV for a month and eating a whole coconut everyday to cleanse his body, mind and especially his colon.

He buys his from an old man who sells them across from Rizo's, the grocery store in Zona Romantica. The old guy taps the water for you, which you drink, and then he cracks the nut into pieces so its easy to eat. The secret of this guy is that he keeps his nuts in the shade. Warm coconut water is like cat piss, according to Robbie.

I have yet to try the old man's cracked nuts but I'm seriously thinking about it. I wonder how many I'd have to eat to cleanse the toxins out of my system? Mexico may not have enough coconuts.

I love coconut and so do chefs, bakers and vendors in this town. Two of my favourite coconut dishes we serve at the Shack. Shrimp in aguachili is one of Joe's ceviches and probably the most interesting. First he halves raw shrimp then tosses them with cilantro and shaved fresh coconut before dousing the whole mixture in a blend of coconut water, lime juice and serrano chilies.

If you let the shrimp sit in the aguachili it will eventually cook from the lime juice but it's better to just pile a shrimp and some strands of coconut onto a tortilla chip and eat it raw.

For the less adventurous there's the coconut pie. Not coconut cream pie, but coconut pie. A 3"-high wedge of delicious, not-too-sweet coconut tossed in the lightest of custards, just to bind in all together. We serve it with a dollop of real whipped cream and the people go crazy.

One was delivered still warm from the bakery on Wednesday. I sold a piece to everyone of my tables. Actually I didn't have to do much selling.

Then there's the candy man vendor from the beach. He sells these sweet and sticky coconut logs, almost like a macaroon but soft and chewy. It's the perfect beach snack, especially if I'm sipping on a Miami Vice--such an old lady drink but so damn delicious. It's half pina colada and half strawberry daiquiri. It makes bartenders hate you.

I love it. Coconut too.